DOUBLE STANDARDS FOR GRACE:

I WAS EXCOMMUNICATED AFTER MY DIVORCE WHILE MY EX-HUSBAND WAS FORGIVEN AND EMBRACED

• Author: Whitney J. | Church Plant Team
• Network Churches attended:
  • Vine Church, Carbondale, IL | 2016-2018
  • Rock River Church, San Marcos, TX | 2018-2021
• This story was published June, 2022

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NOTES: Whitney’s story has been adapted with her permission from excerpts of her 2021 memoir "Perfectly Imperfect: A Memoir with Life Lessons." Chapter and Location stamps throughout are referenced from the Kindle version of the book. To support Whitney and read the rest of her story, please consider purchasing her book in paperback or on Kindle.

We have redacted and changed names of people who did not have a leadership role in The Network.

HOW I FOUND THE NETWORK

I had been praying for a new church home in 2016 and God answered my prayers.

My husband De didn't know how unhappy I was at Praise Central, his grandma’s church, in Carbondale, IL. I kept going and supporting because that was his grandma and I loved seeing our family. However, my spirit wasn't being fed. I felt like I wasn't fitting in.

One morning he went and played basketball at Vine Church, which was across town. He was invited there by a young man who he actually invited to Praise Central. De started going to play more regularly for exercise. Well, he told me about some run-ins he had with pastors while he was there. They had invited him to start coming to Vine Church on Sunday. He was always so excited to tell me what was going on throughout his day and at that time he had a zeal for God and the things of God. That fire for Christ was so attractive to me. Here was a man that loved God as much as me and we were chasing Him together. De let his grandma know we would be taking our family elsewhere. I had no complaints about life or the transition we had made.

An older member of our previous church told us, "Vine was a cult" which frightened me. I went in on high alert with my guard up.

That news spread and we were warned not to go. An older member told us, "it was a cult" which frightened me, no doubt. I went in on high alert with my guard up. Our first Sunday at Vine Church we went, and I loved it!

We believed and bought into the mission of the church. It felt warm and inviting. I felt included for once. We quickly got plugged into a small group where we met once a week. The purpose of a small group was to be in relationship with each other and do life together as people came to know Jesus. Our group was the best! It felt like family right off the bat. When I gave birth to our daughter on June 10, 2016, people from Vine Church brought us meals for a month, which was super helpful as we navigated through the adjustments of going from one child to two.

INTRODUCTION TO CHURCH PLANTING

At Vine Church they explained they were planting a church, which I had never heard of.

Some of our friends who we were beginning to build a relationship with were going with that team of people to College Station, Texas, to start a new church, and they broke the news to us over dinner.

I felt like we were supposed to go on that church plant team. Our lead pastor Sándor Paull was leaving us, and new friends were leaving. Joining them seemed like the right thing to do. Sándor was a great teacher and helped me grow in my relationship more than any other pastor. So I sat and prayed on it. I kept seeing Texas license plates in Carbondale. It just made sense. When I told De, we brought it to Pablo Cordero, our group leader, and Casey Raymer, who with that change in leadership, would go from our Discipleship Community pastor to our Lead Pastor. We had a good relationship with both, so I trusted their wisdom. They told us it would be best for us to wait, so we did.

DE RISES IN LEADERSHIP QUICKLY

When our daughter was born, De was allowed one month of paternity leave off from his job at the prison. Most of that time he spent at the church which became super frustrating. We were attending on Sunday, attending small group, and he played basketball at the church on Tuesday. He also served by being a group leader to the middle school kids.

It was a lot to manage with a new baby and an older daughter who felt ignored by all the attention the baby was receiving. One morning, I got the call that De had broken his elbow playing basketball. I was livid but didn't let him know it. Our group leader Pablo, took him to the emergency room and sat with him while he had surgery. It took all day, but I was thankful he wasn't alone.

We kept having problems because De wasn't doing all that he could to help me, which is the entire reason for paternity leave. He had over a month off, but he was using the time more like a vacation from work instead of using it to prepare me for him returning to work.

I can recognize now that I was struggling with postpartum depression. I didn't know how to open up. I don't think I ever healed from the first round of depression from a previous miscarriage.

I can recognize now that I was struggling with postpartum depression. I didn't know how to open up. I don't think I ever healed from the first round of depression from a previous miscarriage. If you're struggling with that, seek help. Talk to someone about how you feel and don't bottle all your emotions up inside yourself. You matter! Having a new baby is so challenging. As a new mom it's easy to forget about taking care of ourselves. I tried to explain to him how I was feeling.

His response was "I'm going to keep playing basketball and keep not helping.”

POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION

In addition to dealing with postpartum depression, caring for my two daughters, and tending to De who could only use one arm, I caught him with pornography.

I felt ignored, unloved and ugly. We talked until around 5 a.m when he was about to leave for work. I was speaking negativity over myself, and eventually our conversation got heated. We were laying down in bed and I open handedly hit him in the chest. That was a mistake I deeply regret. He called the police to help the situation. He told them he feared that I was suicidal because of the things I was speaking, which I wasn't. The things I was saying were I'm ugly, no one wants me, what's the point of being married, I'm worthless, etc. The police asked for my side, and I openly admitted to hitting him in the chest.

They took me to jail that night and charged me with domestic violence.

I had not beat my husband. I was dealing with postpartum, not sleeping, trying to figure out breastfeeding, and I had just caught my husband with pornography. I did my weekend in jail for hitting him. That weekend was miserable to say the least. My breasts were engorged from not being able to breastfeed my newborn baby, the food was terrible, and the temperature was cold. I just wanted to go home. I didn't belong there. I was never convicted of a crime and my record is expunged as of now. I'm sharing this with transparency because it is my truth!

When my grandparents came to get me, I felt like my marriage was over and we would be getting a divorce then, but we didn't. We forgave and stuck it out. I told my small group leader what led to that incident because my husband needed help. At that point it was a secret addiction. The group leader offered prayer, but I realize now we needed more help than that.

The group leader offered prayer, but I realize now we needed more help than that.

We were eventually referred to marriage counseling by Casey Raymer and Pablo Cordero, which was really helpful for us. Outside counseling wasn't brought up much at Vine Church (we were usually directed to our small group leader), but they did have the name of one counselor in a nearby town they said they trusted and who shared values with the church. The first session was hard because we had to bring up everything from our past. We learned the basic tools of communication, which we still struggled with but at least now we had help from a professional and not just people to pray for us.

JOINING THE CHURCH PLANT TO SAN MARCOS, TEXAS

In 2018, the church announced a church plant to San Marcos, Texas. Leading up to that monthly team meeting, I knew something big was coming. I could feel it in my spirit. Pablo even hinted that we didn't want to miss that particular team meeting. He understood that with life and kids we might decide to stay home from the meeting. The things that were taking place in life with my graduation from SIU and praying for direction on our next step, I wasn't surprised when our lead pastor made the announcement. Almost instantly I knew it was for us to go. I knew it was coming before the words came off his lips.

Texas had stayed on my mind regularly throughout that year since Sándor had planted Christland Church in College Station. I couldn't stop thinking about it. So when San Marcos was announced I felt it in my body. I had goosebumps. De felt the same way.

We met with Alex Dieckmann, who would be the planting pastor of the new church, Rock River. He was our age and not too experienced. We also didn't have the closest relationship with him, but I was open and trusting that this move is what God was asking of my family.

Alex Dieckmann, the lead pastor of the Rock River church plant, was our age and not too experienced, but I was open and trusting that this move is what God was asking of my family.

We attended all the required training and weekly team meetings in addition to small group and regular church service. It was a lot for my little family. We signed up to be part of the team with a group of about 40 other adults and umteen kids. I was pumped for this!

De and I came to visit San Marcos to get a feel for it. We fell in love! It just felt like home (Carbondale).

The cost of living was also quite a bit more expensive than what we were paying back home. The months passed and it was time for us to leave, shortly after graduation. Other members of the team were already heading down to Texas. We were amongst one of the last families to leave.

I kept applying for jobs and I was on the hunt for somewhere for my family to live. A job didn't matter if we didn't have a roof over our heads. I wanted to live in the subdivision. Plum Creek, which is in Kyle, Texas. Many other members were moving over there and it was pretty well-to-do area for middle class families, like mine. Plum Creek was about $500 over our budget so I kept looking. Instead, I found a mobile home community with brand new modular homes available.

We could finally leave and catch up with everyone else!

QUITTING JOBS AND MOVING TO SAN MARCOS

My husband quit his corrections job with Illinois Department of Corrections, where he was just getting up in seniority. De was set in that job. Prison jobs are highly idolized and sought after by many because of the lucrative pay and benefits. He would've been promoted had we not moved. De also had the best days off!

We had just paid our debts off, and we finally had finances figured out. Practically it made no sense for us to take this leap of faith like we did, even our families didn't understand. I often wonder where we would be today had we never left.

Practically it made no sense for us to take this leap of faith like we did, even our families didn't understand. I often wonder where we would be today had we never left.

Leaving Illinois only one older couple helped us pack and load everything. The four of us got the job done. We drove straight to Texas with no breaks except for gas and restroom. I drove our Chevy Traverse with all the kids and our dog while De drove the Uhaul with his car hitched on the back. When we arrived in San Marcos the entire church showed up to help us unpack.

INVITING PEOPLE TO ROCK RIVER CHURCH WAS MY JOB

While continuing to attend small group and being an active planting member of a new church, Alex Dieckmann led our small group one night that Pablo couldn't be there. The topic was being courageous.

I don't remember the verses we discussed that night, but that particular group really encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone and be more bold with inviting people to attend Rock River. I mean I did move across the country to help start this church. Alex explained this meant I would need to invite people. We were encouraged and reminded of this regularly. Alex and his wife Bethany both prayed for me that night.

Alex Dieckmann explained that being courageous meant I would need to invite people to Rock River Church. We were encouraged and reminded of this regularly.

I went home and the very next day I invited my next door neighbor. I worked up enough guts to go over and knock on her door while my girls were napping. I invited her to a party in the park that Rock River was having the following weekend. When she came to the party, I was so excited to see her! My invite had worked! We talked at the party, and I introduced her to my friends, the other members. Everyone was warm and welcoming. I mean that was our job to get people to attend. She even showed up for small group the next time.

Eventually her brother, sister-in-law, and sister all started coming around and got plugged into the church. Even their mom and stepdad came to visit from time to time.

Those were the happiest moments for me. All I ever wanted was for God to use my life to impact just one person and here I was impacting families. That was my purpose on the church plant, to impact lives and allow God to use me through my story and my life. All I wanted to do was bring glory to His name. I finally felt fulfilled.

WHY I LEFT THE NETWORK

MARRIAGE TROUBLES

De and I had always argued, but our arguments seemed to be getting worse. Most of our arguments started small like what to eat after church. We almost never agreed. The arguments were so petty but turned big. Once we were given an opportunity to go to Jamaica to a destination wedding. On this occasion an argument which started over something small escalated until De was yelling and screaming at me all the way to the airport. I broke down hysterically in tears. I couldn't believe this man who goes to church every single Sunday with the biggest smile, nice clothes, polite and respectful to everyone else was verbally assaulting me the way he was. This continued a pattern with us, and I didn’t understand why others didn’t seem to notice.

Our sex life was also struggling. During our marriage, I was usually the one that initiated intimacy. It was very rare that my husband approached me with a desire for sex. The excuse I always heard was that "God took his desire away when we got married." For me it did the exact opposite. Marriage was a blanket of protection for me. We could finally have all the sex we wanted, and I didn't have a guilty conscience. And how could that excuse of losing desire be true when he's been caught with pornography on more than one occasion?

I also didn’t see De as often as I would have liked to. His job was very demanding and required him to work long nights, sometimes not getting home until 2 a.m. or 3 a.m. At least that’s what he told me at the time. It would be more than a year before I knew the full truth, that his “late nights at work” was cover for an affair he was having with a co-worker. I never found out exactly when his affair started, but I suspect it coincided with when he started regularly "working late." This affair was in addition to another one-night affair he had had with a high school flame much earlier in our marriage, which we had never truly resolved.

It would be more than a year before I knew the full truth, that his “late nights at work” was cover for an affair he was having with a co-worker.

I was home alone with the kids all day, every day. My only breaks were to the grocery store or leisure shopping from time to time. I never got actual breaks because I was still doing work on my "break". My husband's breaks were often time alone at the gym, playing basketball, going out with friends, even fishing trips. This couldn't be all I ever wanted, could it? Was this going to be my life? Was this it?

I felt unseen, unheard, unappreciated and depressed. I felt like going to church and small group was pointless. The messages were redundant, no variation.

I felt unseen, unheard, unappreciated and depressed. I felt like going to church and small group was pointless. The messages were redundant, no variation. It felt like we were wasting our time because he wasn't changing on the inside. I say he and not us because I was doing everything I could to live by the Bible. I wasn't struggling with anger anymore. I wasn't cussing. I didn't look at pornography. I wasn't tempted by men. I made sure my husband had a hot meal every night. I was doing my best to be the best possible wife I could be. I took pride in being a wife and mother.

One night I laid awake crying. I felt so alone.

THE FALL

As I felt more distance from my husband, I began craving attention. I made the mistake of connecting with Cor, an old high-school flame from Carbondale, on Facebook. I wanted that attention from De, but since he was neglecting his marital duties, I was willing to take the attention from Cor. I started waking up earlier so I could have time to talk to Cor on his way to work, which became our routine. I would go through cycles where I would feel guilty and pull back, but Cor and I would end up talking again.

Meanwhile back home in Illinois, my grandma started having heart problems. She underwent major heart surgery. So with my growing feelings for Cor, my concern for my grandma, and my need for a break from the loneliness I was feeling, I called Pablo, who was still our group leader, and told him I needed a break (and to get permission for missing a Sunday at the Rock River church plant). In The Network small group leaders hold a lot of sway over members of their small groups. Pablo convinced De, who didn’t want to spend the money on a plane ticket, to let me leave.

In The Network small group leaders hold a lot of sway over members of their small groups. Pablo convinced De, who didn’t want to spend the money on a plane ticket, to let me leave.

I arrived in Illinois. The first night I stayed with my sister and her kids because I had gotten into town late. The next day was a Friday. I stopped by to surprise my grandparents. They were in disbelief that I was there because we hadn't seen each other since the day we left for Texas almost, if not a full year prior. I hadn't seen them because when I joined the Rock River church plant I had been asked to commit to not missing a Sunday for the first year.

After seeing my grandparents I made plans and met up with Cor. When I saw him in person our conversation went so well. He made me feel special. We weren’t arguing like De and I did so often. It had been a long time since I had been shown that kind of attention. We ended up going to the Holiday Inn in Carbondale. My stomach was in knots the entire time from nerves. I couldn't believe I was where I was doing what I was doing. I just went with the flow. In my mind I was trying to find a way out of the situation, but I was already deep in it.

I had just committed the "unforgivable sin" I heard about in church services all of those years.

I spent the next day with my grandmother, and the whole time I felt like she knew and would call me out. Would God tell her what I’d done? The guilt was real. I prayed for forgiveness. I felt slimy. I had just committed the "unforgivable sin" I heard about in church services all of those years. While I was weak I indulged in my sinful pleasure - I iust wanted to forget it happened and go home.

THE TRUTH

I got home. Would what I had done go unnoticed? Not for long.

That evening after the kids went to sleep, I tried to talk to De. Cold shoulder, again. I began to cry myself to sleep. I hated where I was and my reality. In the midst of me weeping, I pulled my phone out to text Cor. De had played the game well. He pretended he was sleeping and as soon as I pulled my phone out, he jumped on top of me and snatched it out of my hand.

He found everything.

That evening was hell. De kept me up all evening questioning me, yelling at me, which was to be expected. I talked. He threatened to divorce me if I didn’t give him every detail. I gave him too much information that he honestly couldn't handle.

De found everything.

De and I had a foundation: kids, a home, assets, a REAL life. This was all in jeopardy now.

I arrived home on a Sunday, so Monday was a regular day, but Tuesday was group night. Pablo wasn't there that night so another deacon leader, Justin, hosted our group. Out of all the topics the discussion was on the Prodigal's Son. If you aren't familiar with that story, go read it in the Bible.

Justin and his wife both prayed for De and I after becoming aware of what happened. Honestly, I was numb. I was still in disbelief with myself while trying to process what was happening. I was still angry with De about the unresolved hurt from his verbal abuse on the way to the airport to visit Jamaica, and a host of other things. But these feelings were mixed with my own guilt and shame.

De took our marital problems to Facebook and made a long drawn out post about what I had done, blasting me. I was publicly humiliated. I begged him all night to take it down for the sake of our marriage, the church, the new members, and my own dignity. I didn't need my sins for the world to see. He left the post up until Pablo told him to take it down the following day. However, the damage was already done.

Honestly, I was numb. I was still in disbelief with myself while trying to process what was happening

I met with Pablo and his wife at the church office. It was in that meeting that I was very transparent about what happened. I didn't lie or hide anything. I also brought it to their attention that De had confessed his own dealings with me. He was still watching pornography. He was distant. I also talked about De’s affair with a high school flame from earlier in our marriage, while we were still at Vine.

As I continued talking, however, it became evident that Pablo had a message to deliver to me, and was not there to help my marriage recover. He told me De and I would have to leave the church.

2019: REMOVED FROM ROCK RIVER CHURCH TO NOT AFFECT WHAT GOD WAS DOING IN THE NEW MEMBERS

We, as a married couple, were told to take 6 months away from the church to figure our stuff out. We were told to leave so as to not affect what God was doing in the new members. We complied.

I was isolated. I was ostracized and placed in a bubble. We were abandoned by the very church we gave everything for. I came here with forty other mature Christian people to do life with. But being isolated, who did I have to talk to or confide in?

We, as a married couple, were told to take 6 months away from the church to figure our stuff out. We were told to leave so as to not affect what God was doing in the new members.

I felt ashamed. So, I stayed quiet about what was going on for months as protection in the event my marriage worked out. After that meeting in the church office, I didn't hear from Pablo or his wife. Alex Dieckmann, the lead pastor, never got involved at all. Even though his church was less than 50 adults, he never called, never reached out to help or anything.

What I needed during that time was love and support, not isolation.

I expressed my needs and how I wanted to go back to Rock River. De, being the leader and head of the household, said it wasn't a good idea. I begged him every single Sunday because I knew I was still struggling, but I didn't feel safe talking to De from our history. We started going back to marriage counseling, but we couldn't get on the same page. De wanted to be married, then I didn’t and vice versa. We did that for months wasting our money and our counselor's time. She released us and let us know we needed to decide what we were doing and stick with it.

What I needed during that time was love and support, not isolation.

Cor and I stopped talking, but eventually started again. De continued “working” late, secretly carrying on his affair with his co-worker. He was sleeping around behind my back the entire time! Yet for months he tortured me and made me feel as if I was the worst person on the planet. He called me names and blamed me for destroying our marriage all while carrying on his own secret life.

Acting on impulse, I returned to Illinois to see Cor, and things spiraled. I cheated on De a total of three times… and then I realized I was pregnant… with Cor’s child. My reckless decisions finally had consequences that caught up to me, and I couldn't hide from them anymore.

THE DIVORCE

(Chp. 8 - Loc. 1968)
Keeping my pregnancy was the end of our marriage. That was the final straw that broke the camel's back. I wanted to stop sinning. I wanted to be done with all of it. Terminating a pregnancy wasn't something I wanted on my conscience for the rest of my life. I just couldn't live with myself, and I knew that.

On June 8th, 2020, our divorce was finalized. I lost everything, the house and all.

I had no job. I was a stay at home mom to our kids. I had no money, and I soon realized De had had maxed out my credit cards charging the costs of the divorce to them. Empty-handed and pregnant, I returned to Illinois, where I would have a place to stay until the baby was born and I could get back on my feet. I brought my oldest daughter with me, but I had to leave my little girls behind because of the legalities of the divorce decree. I had never been away from them, so this was torture. I wasn't operating at full capacity already, but what was left was even less because half of me (my girls) were back in Texas with De.

I wanted my family back. I wanted my old life back. I didn't want to have a baby this way, but I had to go through with it.

I wanted my family back. I wanted my old life back. I didn't want to have a baby this way, but I had to go through with it. I made the most difficult decision of my entire life. I did what was best for everyone. I had to leave my little girls, who at that time needed me less than the baby I was carrying. This new life was completely dependent on me. If I didn't survive, neither would she. I had exhausted all other choices.

THE AFTERMATH

After the baby was born, I moved back to Texas just as soon as I could! I had teaching position waiting on me and a brand new luxury apartment reserved and ready to be moved into. I packed what I could in my car much like the first time. Me, my oldest daughter, and my newborn were on our way to be reunited with my other two daughters, finally! We communicated with them daily on Google Duo, but that wasn't enough. My girls needed me, and I needed them.

After the baby was born, I moved back to Texas just as soon as I could!

De did not want to share joint custody as outlined in the possession order that his attorney drafted. I hired an attorney and eventually we presumed the generic 50/50 possession order as outlined in the decree.

At last! I was so happy to finally be back and to see my friends that I had now been separated from for over a year!

EXCOMMUNICATED FROM THE CHURCH in 2021… WHILE THE LEADERS WELCOMED BACK MY EX-HUSBAND

With this fresh start I made up my mind that I was going to go back to Rock River Church so my oldest daughter and I could get plugged in.

The girls and I went on Sunday, our first Sunday in town (April 18th, 2021). We all got up early and went to church on-time, attending the 9 a.m. service so as to be at the church a different time from De, who attended the later service. Attending the early service on time is quite a feat for a young single mother of four girls, three of whom are under the age of five! I went that Sunday, sat and listened to the same exact message I heard lead pastor Alex Dieckmann preach probably at least ten times before. Nothing had changed.

The following Saturday evening, I was kicked out of church!

The next week (April 24, 2021) Pablo Cordero (who was now one of the church's non-staff overseers) called me as I was getting things ready for church the next morning and told me that I must find somewhere else to go - completely blind sighting me, washing the church’s hands of me. He told me it would be best for the entire flock if I left, that this was the decision "we" came to. He said I'm "loved" and this is "hard", but "my" divorce was deemed so disruptive to everyone else's lives that I needed to find a new church home because Rock River wasn't it. It would be "too hard for De" and "too hard for everyone else”. Because De had showed obedience by continuing to show up with our girls, while I left (to get on my feet), he was allowed to keep attending.

This decision didn't just affect me, it also affected my daughters. No thought was given to how my oldest daughter was also being kicked out of the church (since I couldn't take her), or how my two middle daughters would experience disruption since they could only come on the weekends they were with their dad. The girls would ask why I couldn't go, why the church didn't like me, and if they could visit their friends' houses like we used to. My oldest daughter became numb to the situation, never understanding why her sisters could go to Rock River with their dad but she couldn't go. She lost her closest friends.

"My" divorce was deemed so disruptive to everyone else's lives that I needed to find a new church home because Rock River wasn't it. It would be "too hard for De (my ex-husband)" and "too hard for everyone else”.

My suggestion was that we both should have to leave then, especially since both of us were responsible for the divorce.

When I tried to explain, Pablo kept repeating, "I'm not welcome now or anywhere in the near future." He kept reiterating that statement, to ensuring I understood. Those words are forever ingrained in my mind.

I still received nothing but silence from Alex Dieckmann, the lead pastor of Rock River.

I was in complete shock that the leaders of Rock River were excommunicating me. I didn't know that was a real thing unless you stole or vandalized the building. I didn't know you could get kicked out for the same stuff that other members have done in their pasts: adultery. It was the same stuff De was doing!

All that “wisdom” between the “leaders” in the church, you would think someone would talk to me first!

When I tried to explain, my former non-staff overseer Pablo Cordero kept repeating, "I'm not welcome now or anywhere in the near future."

They didn't take the time to check in on me or talk to me before excommunicating me based on assumptions and neither did any of the wives. It was like I vanished without a trace, never to be thought about again. They cast me to the wayside and forgot about me. This is how Rock River treated someone who had given up everything to be a part of their church plant: job, house, money, extended family and comfort.

Did Jesus not say he would leave the 99 for the 1? Did he not show compassion for the woman CAUGHT in the act of adultery? Was I not part of the flock? Did I somehow lose my salvation security? Is my name erased from the book? Is the church not for the sick? Isn't the church supposed to be a safe place for ALL? Do they even really believe the message they preach?

HYPOCRITICAL PARTIALITY, DAMAGE CONTROL, AND MALE CHAUVINISM

Do you know the courage I had to work up to go, after all the guilt and shame I had endured? It took a lot for me to show up and go up for prayer. I attended knowing that God's grace is sufficient for me too.

Rock River Church kicked me out for damage control. They kicked me out because my presence made them so uncomfortable. They removed me because my marriage ended in divorce… but I didn’t divorce the church; it was Rock River Church who divorced me.

The decision to let De stay while I was excommunicated was male chauvinism at its finest! He was always the more valuable half (to them) and this confirmed it.

The decision to let De stay while I was excommunicated was male chauvinism at its finest! He was always the more valuable half (to them) and this confirmed it. De was more active and more outgoing, participating and involved with serving in the youth program, while I was typically home with the babies so he could go. From the moment he stepped foot on church property he was wanted and sought after. I remember every encounter vividly. I believe they plotted on my then husband. They wanted him to use his spiritual gifts to bring more people in.

Who gets raised up to lead in Network churches? MEN. Who got a slap on the wrist? DE.

I'd like to note that I was the only black woman on the entire church plant. I told Demarr I always felt out of place or like I didn't fit in. In our society black women are treated unfairly. We are most undervalued by all races. I don't want to believe this is a racial thing, a favoritism towards men thing, a trying to set him up with someone else in the church thing, a single dad thing, a black men are more valuable than black women thing, or a men over woman thing, in general- but in reality they left me with more questions than not.

De’s addiction to pornography, his affairs, his behavior toward me… this all went under the radar or was forgiven while my sin was put on blast and considered unforgivable by the leaders.

Like is this really a church? This made me really question: is it a cult like De and I had been warned about in the beginning of our attendance? It was work to get in and work to stay in, and if a person does anything contrary to their beliefs, they were kicked out. I wasn't the only one this had happened to.

That is cult-like behavior with a little Jesus behind it.

SINCE LEAVING THE NETWORK

Hebrews 13:6 ESV: “So we can confidently say, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?’”

Man can't touch you! Man can try to destroy you, which was almost the case for me, but they don't have a heaven or hell to put you in. I let what these people said and did, fear of their judgment and how I thought they felt about me torment me for months.

It was just me and Jesus, everyone else had abandoned me. I was living through things that I had only heard about or read about in the Bible. They mishandled me and showed me that I have no more value. They used me to get people in and cast me away.

They mishandled me and showed me that I have no more value. They used me to get people in and cast me away.

Even after being kicked out of church, I didn't lose my faith in God. I will be looking for a new local church to attend that will accept me flaws and all.

Through the various trials and difficulties of my hard life, I've become stronger. I'm wiser. I'm better for everything I've been through. And, while it was tough, and at times I didn't feel like I would make it to tomorrow, I'm still standing! I'm as resilient as ever and I will never be a quitter!

I'm still standing! I'm as resilient as ever and I will never be a quitter!

I will live on to share my life experiences and walk alongside those that need healing and encouragement. John 16:33 ESV says “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart: I have overcome the world." With those verses, rest assured, Beloved. I don't carry any anger, resentment or bitterness in my heart for anyone that has wronged me, hurt me or walked out of my life and you shouldn't either.

Forgive yourself. Be kind to yourself. Show yourself a little grace. Walk with boldness knowing that God's grace is sufficient for you!

NOTES: Whitney’s story has been adapted with her permission from excerpts of her 2021 memoir "Perfectly Imperfect: A Memoir with Life Lessons." Chapter and Location stamps throughout are referenced from the Kindle version of the book. To support Whitney and read the rest of her story, please consider purchasing her book in paperback or on Kindle.