SURVIVING SPIRITUAL TRAUMA:
SPIRITUAL ABUSE IN NETWORK CHURCHES SHATTERED MY SENSE OF SELF, RESULTING IN HOSPITALIZATION WITH PERSISTENT THOUGHTS OF SELF-HARM
- Author: Geneva M. | Church Member, College Student, and church plant member
- Network Churches Attended:
- High Rock Church in Bloomington, Indiana | 2014-2017
- Joshua Church in Austin, Texas | 2017-2022
- This story was published October, 2024
This above video is made available by FACC (Families Against Cults on Campus). We are grateful to everyone involved with FACC and appreciate their valuable efforts in raising awareness about The Network's activities on college campuses across the United States and internationally.
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Warning: Discussion of suicide: If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available 24/7 across the United States. Call or Text 988
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TRANSCRIPT
FROM HIGH ROCK CHURCH TO JOINING THE JOSHUA CHURCH PLANT
Just a quick introduction. My name is Geneva. I'm part of the community that have left Steve Morgan's network of churches across the United States and internationally. I was involved in The Network for many years. I initially started in college. I was in Bloomington, Indiana, and went to High Rock Church under Scott Joseph's leadership.
Several years later, I moved to Austin, Texas, to be part of the church plant. And so I was a part of Joshua Church under the direction of Steve Morgan, who is the founder and leader of the whole organization.
MY LIFE IN THE NETWORK
RECRUITMENT STRATEGIES, AND BECOMING ENTRAPPED IN THE NETWORK
I want to talk a little bit about how The Network has affected me, particularly highlighting issues not only with me, but collectively, with mental health.
What's hard about when you initially join the network is that you don't realize what you're being a part of. They do a really fantastic job of starting your experience there as a positive thing. Lots of connection, lots of community. They have incredibly tactful recruitment strategies, and what's called "love bombing."
And so, having positive experiences — quote unquote “positive experiences” — to start with and then, over years, repeatedly going through more and more trauma, has... I see it as a way of control and making you feel stuck, entrapped in this system, and feeling like there's no world or no life outside of The Network and the community that they've manufactured. And to leave would be, as Steve Morgan has said, “shipwreck your faith,” “shipwreck your life.” When in reality, the “shipwrecking” is something that they have created in people, individually and collectively.
When you initially join The Network, leaders and members ensure you have many "Positive Experiences" as a way of control and making you feel stuck, entrapped in this system, and feeling like there's no world or no life outside of The Network and the community that they've manufactured.
If I were to give a metaphor for what the overall picture of my experiences would be in The Network, I would imagine it as a glowstick. So when you break a glowstick — obviously, I believe we're all familiar with that — it emanates a lot of light that's obviously noticeable. The light lasts, on average, about 8 to 12 hours. Maybe 24 hours, depending on the specific one. But after that, as we all know, you just slowly watch the light dim until all that's left is a lightless piece of plastic.
Those 8 to 12 hours of light hardly matter when there's years and years of trauma and darkness that follow after that. And I think that sense of an inanimate object that has lost the thing that is most desirable about it is something that I struggled with feeling, and I still do struggle with feeling, to this day.
THOUGHTS OF SELF HARM BROUGHT ON BY THE SPIRITUAL TRAUMA I EXPERIENCED AT JOSHUA AND HIGH ROCK CHURCHES
I want to read a part of a journal entry that I wrote about my time in The Network and also the years afterward since I left. I'm going to read, essentially, a summary of multiple journal entries that I've written throughout this time. Something that I have learned about trauma over these years is that the stories that we are able to recover are rarely linear, which makes sense when you think about it. We are often left fragmented by the trauma and abuse that we experience.
Something that I have learned about trauma over these years is that the stories that we are able to recover are rarely linear. We are often left fragmented by the trauma and abuse that we experience.
I thought it would be best to share from multiple sources, so it will be a combination of those things. So I have a journal entry from December 29th, 2020, and then I have a journal entry from September 11th, 2023, and I have another summary of all of these events from the email I sent to the leaders when I left. That email was sent on February 15th, 2022, and so I probably left sometime within that week. I don't know that it was exactly that day. I'm going to start with reading this.
I do want to give a trigger warning. The rest of this video I will be spending a lot of time talking about really heavy objects. Really heavy topics. I'll be spending a lot of time talking about really heavy topics. Particularly about death and about suicide. So there will be probably rather large parts of what I share where I will not be vocalizing, for understandable reasons.
I do want to give a trigger warning. I'll be spending a lot of time talking about really heavy topics. Particularly about death and about suicide.
"I'm having a hard time naming what the exact role is in the timeline, in the exact circumstances during the time I was at JC [Joshua Church], and I did this because I felt that it deadened the pain and anxiety I felt in the feeling that it would be a benefit for God and the church if I was to end, and that me dying would be for the greater good of the mission."
"The mission" is a common phrase that the network uses.
"And I remember" — redacted section of the notebook — "I was just in so much pain, and the main driver being the utter belief and convincing that my life was truly a burden, and that God believed that about me and the church believed that about me. And even if my friends didn't necessarily think that, I knew that I would be left behind, and they would have done it for the sake of the mission. I feel this pain so much."
I was just in so much pain, and the main driver being the utter belief that my life was truly a burden, and that God believed that about me and the church believed that about me. I feel this pain so much.
So I wrote a lot about those kinds of thoughts. The summary of my journal entry on December 29th of 2020 was: The day before my birthday I had... Related to The Network, I had made my first suicide attempt about two months prior to that.
This is a large part of my story, and I know that I'm not alone in that. I've talked with many people that have felt the same things that I have felt and struggled with their mental health, particularly with suicide as well. I have been in contact with people that have struggled with those thoughts. I have been in contact with people that have also made attempts, and there are stories of people, that have made attempts and they did not survive.
I have shared this story many times with people in the network before I had actually left. I talked about it in the email I sent the pastors, telling them that I was leaving and detailing all of the reasons, many of the reasons, why.
I never really talk about this because it's still really painful for me.
I think... one of the entries I wrote was in 2023. So that was a year ago. Since I left, I have been hospitalized twice. My first hospitalization was in May of 2023 for an interrupted suicide attempt, and my most recent hospitalization was in March of this year. Throughout that whole time I have been in intensive therapy. So either partial hospitalization, which is where you're there five days a week for about six hours, or I've been in intensive outpatient, which is where... I've had seasons where it's four days a week for three hours or three days a week for three hours, along with additional other therapeutic interventions.
What has been the hardest thing to work through is having a self-concept outside of the control in the environment that's created for you in The Network... having a sense of self outside of what has been told about you. All the years I was told how dark I am. I was constantly being described [by leaders] as having this presence of darkness around me.
What has been the hardest thing to work through is having a self-concept outside of the control in the environment that's created for you in The Network. One of the hardest things is learning... having a sense of self and self-concept outside of what has been told about you — and about me specifically. Just all the years I was told that... like, something I was told often, was just how dark I am. And constantly being described as having this presence of darkness around me.
NETWORK PASTOR'S CRUEL BEHAVIOR WHEN I BEGAN SPEAKING OUT ABOUT MY EXPERIENCES
And something that is always on my mind is, when I left — and the Leaving The Network website and Reddit was rather new — at some point after leaving, I started being active on the Reddit. When I started — and to this day — I wasn't anonymous. I personally chose to engage as myself.
At that time most people were anonymous for completely valid reasons. This is not to say that one is better than the other. I just know, from my particular circumstances, I don't have family in The Network, and I was willing to lose relationships with those that not only decided to stay in The Network, but also those who physically left the network but never really left The Network mindset.
At that time, I could probably count on two hands the number of people that weren't anonymous.
My previous lead pastor, Scot Joseph, described the Leaving The Network Reddit and the people that were engaging in it, as a "toxic cesspool full of leeches," which is an insane thing to say, an incredibly cruel thing to say. I was one of the few people posting that wasn't anonymous — it was only reasonable to assume that he knew he was including me in his statement.
And I remember, ironically, Scott Joseph, when the audio was leaked from a teaching that Scott Joseph did — which is the church that I started at, at High Rock in Bloomington. He said, in one of his sermons, he described the Reddit and the people that were engaging in it... he described us as a "toxic cesspool full of leeches."
Yeah, he described us as a "toxic, toxic cesspool full of leeches," which is an insane thing to say. Incredibly cruel thing to say. And I took that really hard because when, the website first went live, I had hope that what I was experiencing was real, it wasn't just me. For so long I felt in the dark and that there was something fundamentally wrong with me. And that wasn't true.
And so hearing someone that I had known and been under their leadership and, I thought, loved and cared for me for years... Clearly he was seeing the Reddit, him and whoever it was under him that was feeding him information. And so it's only reasonable to assume — since there were so few people that weren't anonymous — it was only reasonable to assume that he knew that I was involved in that.
I really digested that message, that someone who knew me and, in theory, knew my character and the kind of person I am, and hope to be, and try to be, would say something like that.
Geneva painted these sheep after reading Ezekiel 34, where God promises to protect his sheep and hold the bad shepherds who have not cared for them accountable.
The image Geneva painted when processing her experiences at High Rock and Joshua Churches. A member of FACC added the text "breaking free" in the clouds as a message of hope to people leaving The Network.
I had actually, some time before I left — or maybe it was sometime during the leaving process, which I believe was around the same time of that message from Scott at High Rock — I was really searching through scripture, trying to make sense of what was happening. And hoping to reason with not only the leaders but all of my peers around me, that what was happening was horribly wrong, to put it lightly.
I made this little painting card. I don't know if you can see it very well. I made this. It's like, as you can see there, little sheep. It's rather rudimentary. I'm not like an artist or anything like that. But I made this based off the scripture Ezekiel 34, and that was something that I spent a lot of time reading throughout this time.
I think what was soothing to me about that scripture is believing and knowing that God had opinions and thoughts about what was happening within Network churches and how people were being treated and how I was being treated. And there's a lot more that I could go into, but you should read it to give you some better context.
SPIRITUALLY ABUSED THEN DISCARDED
THE LEADERS BEHAVED AND ACTED LIKE THEIR DIRECTIVES WERE EQUIVALENT TO FOLLOWING GOD
But yes, those messages... and there's so many others. I could exhaust myself going into the other terrible things. But I don't know that that's necessary. The biggest hurdle that I've been trying to overcome is what I described was this belief, this convincing... in some ways, you could say like a conviction, that me not being alive was, overall, a net sum positive to people and to the church. And I think what's made it so insidious is that it felt like a directive from God.
The biggest hurdle that I've been trying to overcome is what I described was this belief, this conviction, that me not being alive was, overall, a net sum positive to people and to the church. And I think what's made it so insidious is that it felt like a directive from God.
That's sort of another red flag that happens within The Network churches is that the leaders, will not say this... They will never verbally admit it, but based on their behaviors and actions, their directives are essentially equivalent to following God.
One of the catch phrases within The Network is "obey your leaders in all things great and small." There's actually another leaked audio recording, and I have heard it in teachings as well at Joshua Church, where they specifically say "follow your leaders and all things great and small, even if they're wrong." There have been times where I haven't done that. And that has not gone well.
I actually, in this email, talk about a situation where I was actually asked to leave. I won't go into that because it's still too painful for me to talk about. But they presented it in a way where I felt... where it gave the impression that I had freedom in my choice, and that they weren't going to take it as me not obeying them and agreeing with them and doing what they said.
One of the catch phrases within The Network is "obey your leaders in all things great and small, even if they're wrong."
And I remember just agonizing over the decision and constant thinking, "Okay, so these leaders speak on behalf of God to me. Who am I to say that I do not believe that the things that they were saying were true?"
And I was like, not only am I, in theory, speaking against leaders; I'm speaking against Steve Morgan himself. He's essentially in the Hall of Fame... one could say he's akin to a celebrity because he started this whole thing. And so there's a lot of power, being in his presence and, being associated with his name, people take that very highly there.
And part of me just knew that, even though they're saying that it's going to be fine, I just have a feeling it's not going to be fine.
So I let them know my decision, and then it got brought up at some point that they think that I didn't trust them.
The concept of free choice does not exist in The Network... when you choose to think and act differently than what your leaders think, there will be consequences for it
So the concept of free choice does not exist in The Network. And when you choose to think and act differently than what your leaders think, there will be consequences for it. Which is something that I struggled with a lot because I generally have... I like to think I'm a rather independent thinker, and I would say those that know me closely would know that I am rather outspoken and very vocal about things that I don't find right or ethical or I think there is a better, less harmful way to do things and to engage with people.
WHEN I DESCRIBED MY SPIRITUAL TRAUMA AND SUICIDE ATTEMPT TO THE LEADERS OF JOSHUA CHURCH, THEY SAID THEY HAD "A CLEAR CONSCIENCE"
So, yes, the belief of discarding my life, I've put in a hell of a lot of work, a hell of a lot of resources, to try to survive this. I'm still in these programs to to this day. I have grown and healed a lot. That core belief isn't as strong. It's still there, unfortunately. In my harder days, it shows up. But that 100% conviction and certainty, It's not 100% anymore.
So I detailed these things in the email that I sent to leaders when I left, among other things. Their response... So I detailed all of these things, I talked about the other things, some of the other physical symptoms, that were showing up because of the significant stress and trauma that I was experiencing there. Now, I'll just read a small section of that.
I was hiding in cleaning closets at church, having panic attacks. I was stress vomiting during and after every small group. My hair was falling out and I was developing bald spots. My body was crying out for a witness that I was not willing to provide until it all ended in a suicide attempt.
"I spent every night, every lunch break at work, every still moment for over a year, sobbing from all the pain of it all. Geneva, get it together. This shouldn't be so serious. I spent every waking moment staring into nothingness. Playing the moment of being asked to leave in every single detail before it, over and over again, trying to figure out how this happened and what I can do to make sure I never experience pain like this again."
"Why is this affecting me so much? I was hiding in cleaning closets at church, having panic attacks. I was stress vomiting during and after every small group" — Small groups are essentially Bible studies — "My hair was falling out and I was developing bald spots. My body was crying out for a witness that I was not willing to provide until it all ended in a suicide attempt."
"The shock of surviving was when I was finally humble enough to realize the truth. What I experienced was trauma, but I couldn't understand why it was and why I was affected so deeply."
I'm going to go ahead and read the response to the email as well. And again, there are many, many other details that I discussed in my letter, and at some point I probably will post it live on the Leaving The Network Reddit most likely.
If someone were to say the same things to me that I said in the email to them, about how their actions and the way I was treated within their community had affected them... I can't imagine summarizing that as, "mistakes were made, we're not perfect, but we have a clear conscience." I'm honestly speechless. I can't fathom what kind of response that is.
I don't know if I'll read the whole thing, but to give a summary of it: They thank me, and they express their appreciation for my faithfulness over the years. They say that they, too, want to honor the Lord and love his people well. And they, essentially... detailing the things I just read in my suicide attempt, they, to quote said,
"Although we do this imperfectly and misunderstandings arise, we are sure that we have a clear conscience."
It's really hard to even know what to say to that.
I can't imagine someone, describing the severe effects of... If someone were to say the same things to me that I said in the email to them, about how their actions and the way I was treated within their community, how that affected them... I can't imagine summarizing that as, "mistakes were made, we're not perfect, but we have a clear conscience." I... I can't fathom it. I'm honestly speechless.
I can't fathom what kind of response that is.
CLOSING THOUGHTS
I think that's just about all I going to say for now. There's so many more parts of my story that I will be sharing at some point. There will be more parts of my story that will be coming out in other forums as well. I think that's all I have for right now.
FOR THOSE OUTSIDE THE NETWORK
I want to say a quick word to those that have heard of The Network. Maybe you live in one of these cities where one of the network churches are; maybe you have a loved one that is going to college in the city of one of these network churches.
Stay as far away from Network churches as possible. Run the opposite direction and never look back. Don't let your curiosity get the best of you and trap you.
I want to highly, highly emphasize to stay as far away from them as possible. Run the opposite direction and never look back. Don't let your curiosity get the best of you and trap you. There is nothing that you need to see for yourself that hasn't been accounted for from the hundreds, if not thousands, of stories that have come out and will continue to come out.
FOR THOSE INSIDE THE NETWORK
If you are in The Network and you are looking at this, maybe you are wanting to leave. Maybe you're confused. Maybe you're trying to find a way to leave.
I want to give you some hope and some courage that leaving is worth it.
It may sound scary. Even just hearing my story and how it hasn't necessarily looked like what one would call great. But that's not a reflection of leaving, that's a reflection of what I experienced there. If anything, since leaving, I am continually surprised about how kind people are and how great people are and how compassionate and loving people are.
Leaving The Network didn't leave me jaded. It left me grateful.
Leaving The Network didn't leave me jaded. It left me grateful. Grateful for a life that exists outside of The Network that I didn't think exists. So if you think you want to leave, you should leave.
And there's a community of people that will gladly talk with you and support you.
So, have courage. You can do this.
If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available 24/7 across the United States. Call or Text 988
EMAILS TO JOSHUA CHURCH
GENEVA'S EMAILS TO PASTORS STEVE MORGAN, JOHN ANTHONY OWEN, TRAVIS WONG, SAM MENZIES, AND STAFF MEMBER CHRIS MILLER
After being excommunicated from Joshua Church, Geneva responded by writing a detailed email to the church leaders, outlining the patterns of abuse she had experienced, which left her feeling "powerless and unnecessary." In a separate email to her small group leader, Chris Miller, she included specific instances where his leadership had contributed to her sense of isolation and mistreatment as a member of his group.
Instances of neglect and spiritual abuse by leaders of Joshua Church described in Geneva's letter:
- Abuse of Power: Geneva explains to the leaders of Joshua Church that they have "forgotten how much power and influence you guys have over us." She explains it is inappropriate for leaders to "plow their way through" the courage it takes for members like her to speak out when leaders wield the power in the community.
- Boundary Violations: The church obtained Geneva's mother's information and contacted her without Geneva's consent, despite Geneva repeatedly stating she did not want her mother involved. This breach of privacy caused her significant distress.
- Loss of Autonomy in Decisions: Major decisions about Geneva were made by Joshua Church leadership without including her in the process. This made her feel powerless and unheard. She compares the experience to being in a car accident caused by others but left to deal with the wreckage alone.
- Neglect: Despite having meetings where she expressed how difficult the experience had been for her, no one in leadership reached out to help. Geneva describes that she felt like a "spiritual beggar" in the church, desperately seeking support that never came.
- Confusing Communication and Excommunication: Geneva was asked to leave the church without prior communication about any issues. This abrupt decision was deeply traumatic and led her into a state of darkness, where she lost faith in God's promises and felt unworthy of acceptance anywhere. She felt that no one tried to clarify things before escalating the situation.
- Unsafe Environment: Geneva recounts feeling unsafe both in life and in church, particularly when she had to navigate a sexual assault without support from her church leaders. She contrasts this with how the church accommodated strangers while neglecting her needs.
- Accused of Overreacting: Geneva explains that her small group leader, Chris Miller, told her she was over-reacting to what she had experienced at Joshua Church.
- Thoughts of Self Harm: Geneva explains that the emotional strain from these events led to a suicide attempt, with the pastors’ actions further triggering her harmful thoughts rather than alleviating them.
In their reply, staff pastor John Anthony Owen and worship leader and small group leader Chris Miller do not acknowledge the numerous issues Geneva described. Rather than accepting responsibility for the instances of spiritual abuse and neglect, they instead assert that the leaders at Joshua Church "have a clear conscience." They neither offer an apology nor make any effort to reconcile, and they fail to provide Geneva with any resources to help her manage her thoughts of self-harm.